


Back to the Start

by lechaton17



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Angst, Depression, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, I'm sorry I write depressing things, M/M, Poor Victor, Suicide, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-10-07 01:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10349658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lechaton17/pseuds/lechaton17
Summary: Victor hadn't been able to save Yuuri from himself. And he wasn't able to forgive himself for it.But then he wakes up one morning with a second chance. And Victor isn't going to let history repeat itself.Time Travel.Warning: Deals with Suicide/Depression





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone. 
> 
> Just a warning: This story mentions suicide and depression. 
> 
> I had this idea for a while now and finally decided to give it a try. I've never written anything quite like this before, and I'm excited to try something new. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

The apartment was a disaster.

 

Victor didn’t care.

 

He had always been a tidy person. He always cleaned up after himself. He never left dishes in the sink, or laundry overflowing. But now, things were different. He had lost the will to care. Yakov or Yuri or Mila would stop by to visit him, and shake their heads, eyeing the disaster that was his home. He just ignored them. And they didn’t comment on it, either.

 

They probably would sooner or later, but for now they left him alone. They understood.

 

It had been two weeks. Two weeks since Victor had come home to find Yuuri dead in the bathroom.

 

He sat at the kitchen table, staring down at his black coffee. It was already cold, because he had been sitting there, staring at it for so long.

 

It had been two whole weeks, and he still felt like his world had ended.

 

When he found Yuuri on the bathroom floor, he knew. He knew Yuuri was dead, even though he begged him to wake up. His skin had been cold. Victor remembered the feel. He could still feel the coldness on his hands.

 

There had been little signs that something was wrong. A forced smile. Not eating a meal. Sleeping a little too late. But Victor hadn’t realized. He hadn’t realized how bad things were. He always just brushed it off, knowing that Yuuri sometimes had bad days.

 

Yuuri had left him a note.

 

All it had said was _I’m so sorry_.

 

There wasn’t a long letter, any explanation. Just an apology. Yuuri was always apologizing.

 

It had been two weeks, and Victor had been spending every second of those past two weeks trying to figure out what he did wrong. What he missed. How could he have let this happen? He spent every day with Yuuri. They lived together. They practiced together. They ate meals together, went to sleep in each other’s arms. And yet he had no idea that Yuuri was going to kill himself.

 

Where had he gone wrong? What had he missed? What could he have done? Surely there was something that he could have done. Something he could have said. Maybe he hadn’t told Yuuri that he loved him enough. Maybe he hadn’t spent enough time with him.

 

He knew that he could not change the past now, but that didn’t stop it from haunting him.

 

“Victor!”

 

Victor jumped and looked around. Yuri was standing there, glaring at him.

 

“I was knocking for ten minutes! Didn’t you hear me?”

 

Victor turned away. “No.” He looked back down at his coffee.

 

Yuri walked around him and sat opposite of his at the table, pushing dirty dishes out of his way, scrunching his nose. “You scared me half to death, Victor. You have to wake up a little.”

 

Victor didn’t reply.

 

“Victor I’m serious!” Yuri said angrily, slamming his fist on the table. “I know how fucked up everything is right now, okay? I get it. Yuuri is dead, and you can’t forgive yourself. But Victor, you can’t sit here blaming yourself for the rest of your life.”

 

“Says who?” Victor mumbled.

 

“Says me!” Yuri yelled, tears shining in his eyes. “This isn’t on you, Victor. None of us saw this coming. And we all knew that Yuuri had been struggling. He’s been struggling long before he met either of us, his parents told us that. You need to cut yourself some slack.”

 

“I was with him more than anyone,” Victor said, his voice flat. “If anyone would have been able to know, it would have been me. But I didn’t.”

 

Yuri groaned. “You drive me fucking crazy, Victor. Blaming yourself like this isn’t going to do anything, okay? It’s not going to bring Yuuri back. He’s gone, Victor.”

 

“Don’t you think I know that?!” Victor yelled back, surprised at his own outburst.

 

“What are you going to do, sit here and rot away for the rest of your life? Do you think that’s what Yuuri would have wanted?” Yuri was yelling, and crying, but Victor couldn’t comfort him.

 

“I guess there’s no way of knowing that, is there?” Victor replied, taking a gulp of his cold coffee, wishing it were vodka.

 

Yuri stood up, hastily wiping his eyes. “I don’t know what to do with you, Victor. I hate to sit here and watch you waste yourself away. I know you loved Yuuri, and I also knew that he loved you. I don’t know why he decided to do what he did, but I have to believe that he would never want you to live this way. But I can’t just sit here. And I can’t help you if you won’t let me.”

 

“I never asked for your help, Yuri.”

 

“Whatever.” Yuri walked away, turning one last time before he left. “If you need me, you know where I am.”

 

Victor didn’t respond or watch him go, but he heard the door close. He sighed. Poor Yuri. The poor kid had a lot to be dealing with. But he had Yakov, and Lilia, and Mila and Georgi there with him. He would be okay. Victor was sure.

 

As for himself…he wasn’t sure if he would be okay.

 

Giving up on the day, Victor dumped the rest of his coffee down the sink and headed to bed.

 

His big, empty bed.

 

He hated it. Sometimes, he would sleep on the couch instead. But sometimes, he wanted to sleep in the bed, even though it was a reminder of his emptiness. Sometimes he could smell Yuuri on his pillow, and the scent would bring him comfort, even if only for a short period of time. Victor laid down on the bed, hugging Yuuri’s pillow close to him, breathing in the scent. He felt the tears come, as they often did at night, and he hugged the pillow tighter.

 

Eventually, as always, he fell asleep, his face still wet from the tears.

 

* * *

 

Victor woke with a start.

 

The sun was peeking through the window.

 

He was still hugging Yuuri’s pillow.

 

He sighed. He hated waking up. Waking up meant remembering everything. Every morning he had to remember that Yuuri was gone, and every morning it hit him like a knife in his heart.

 

He rolled over to look at his phone, and he was suddenly confused.

 

The room was clean.

 

He sat up. The room had not been clean when he went to bed. Clothes had been thrown everywhere. Dishes had piled on his bed stand. But it was all gone. Had Yuri or Mila came in while he was asleep and cleaned?

 

He looked down at himself. He hadn’t bothered changing out of his clothes last night when he went to bed, but now he was only wearing his boxers.

 

What the hell?

 

He felt a sense of Déjà vu, and it scared him.

 

He grabbed his phone and looked at it.

 

His heart dropped.

 

He had a message from Yuuri.

 

_I went to the rink early, I let you sleep in! I’ll see you when you get here <3 _

Victor felt the tears come again. This was a cruel, cruel joke. Or a very vivid dream.

 

He looked at the date on his phone.

 

March 7th.

 

Yuuri had died on May 2nd.

 

Yesterday had been May 15th.

 

Victor couldn’t breathe. He pinched himself.

 

It hurt.

 

He did it again.

 

Still hurt.

 

He jumped out of bed, throwing on the first outfit he found. Makkachin jumped out of bed too, tail wagging, but Victor ignored her.

 

He had to figure out what was going on.

 

He ran.

 

He ran all the way to the rink, his heart pounding, his brain running faster than his legs. What was going on? How could this be happening?

 

He burst into the rink, out of breath, wildly searching.

 

He was there.

 

Yuuri was there, out on the ice, gliding across it gracefully.

 

Yuuri was alive.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Victor didn’t understand what was going on.

 

It was impossible.

 

Yuuri was dead. Victor knew this. He had found Yuuri’s body. He had watched it lower into the ground at his funeral. He had spent every day for the last two weeks feeling the unbearable pain of Yuuri’s death.

 

And yet Yuuri was there, alive, right in front of his eyes.

 

Yuuri seemed to had noticed Victor standing there and waved with a smile. His smile. Victor couldn’t handle it. He had wanted nothing more than to see his Yuuri smile one last time.

 

The tears came. Victor couldn’t even stand. His knees buckled. Yuuri was alive. Somehow, some way.

 

And then Yuuri was there, right in front of him, looking concerned. “Victor, what’s wrong? What happened?”

 

His voice. Everything about Yuuri made Victor’s pain- or joy? –worse. His brain was overwhelmed, and he didn’t understand how he was supposed to feel. This had to be a dream. It was just a dream.

 

Yuuri was touching him, his hands on Victor’s face, and he _felt_ them. Victor couldn’t even find the words to say anything. He just looked up at Yuuri, taking in every detail. It was Yuuri. It was really him. And he was living, breathing, warm, alive, and looking down at Victor with a look full of concern.

 

“Is- is Makkachin okay?” Yuuri asked nervously.

 

Victor laughed. He couldn’t help it. “She’s fine.” His voice barely worked, his words a whisper.

 

Yuuri looked relieved for a moment. “Oh, okay. I’m glad. What’s wrong, then?” Yuuri kneeled down, so they were on the same level. Victor couldn’t stop himself. He lunged at Yuuri, wrapping his arms around him and holding him tightly. And he sobbed, harder than he ever had in his life. He had barely cried since Yuuri’s death. All he had felt was a vast emptiness. But now, he felt. He felt everything. He had wanted to hold Yuuri like this so badly that it had been painful.

 

“Victor…” Yuuri put his hand on Victor’s head, stroking his hair. “You’re scaring me.”

 

Victor just hugged him tighter.

 

“Come on, let’s go talk, okay?” Yuuri pulled away. Victor immediately tried to pull him back, afraid that if he let Yuuri go, that he would never get him back.

 

“I’m right here,” Yuuri said gently. “Come with me, okay?” He took Victor’s hand and pulled him up. He led Victor to the locker room, and made him sit on the bench. Victor did so, his tears still falling. “Okay. Can you talk to me?” Yuuri asked, wiping away a tear from Victor’s face.

 

Victor tried to think of what to say. “I…I-I had a dream….” He wasn’t sure what else to call it. “I had a dream that you…that you were gone forever.”

 

Yuuri’s face softened. Victor could tell that he was relieved. “A dream scared you that much?”

 

_Oh god, Yuuri. You have no idea._

 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Yuuri said with a smile. “I promise.”

 

Victor choked back another sob. There was so much he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. He still had no idea what was going on. He didn’t want to say something wrong. But he wanted to say so much. He wanted to ask Yuuri why. He needed to know why. He needed to understand.

 

“Yuuri,” he whispered. “You…you would tell me, if something was wrong? You would come to me?”

 

Yuuri looked confused. “Of course. Why-?”

 

“Will you promise me?”

 

Yuuri frowned. “Yes, of course. I promise.” He studied Victor. “What happened in your dream?”

 

Victor shook his head. He couldn’t talk about it. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because you’re here.”

 

Yuuri still looked uncertain. “Maybe…maybe we should take the day off? I think we’ve been working too hard, and the stress is getting to you. I don’t think it would hurt to take a day to ourselves. What do you think?”

 

Victor nodded. He needed every second together with Yuuri he could get. He wasn’t sure how long he would be here in this moment with Yuuri alive, and he needed to take advantage of every second of it.

 

* * *

 

They left the rink, their hands intertwined. Victor had to keep ahold of Yuuri, to make sure he was still there. They stopped at a café and picked up some coffee before heading back to the flat. Victor had barely given the place a second glance as he ran out the door earlier, but his apartment was definitely back to normal. Makkachin jumped on them when they entered, her tail wagging excitedly.

 

“Ah- I-I didn’t take her out,” Victor said, patting her head.

 

“We should take her to the park,” Yuuri suggested with a smile. That damn smile. It hurt Victor, but at the same time, he loved it.

 

“Okay,” he agreed. “Let’s go, then.”

 

They walked in silence, but Victor didn’t mind. He was exhausted, from crying, and from trying to wrap his head around what had happened. A part of him wondered if Yuuri’s death had actually been a dream, but another part of him knew it was real. It had to be real. It was too vivid.

 

“Why...why were you at the rink so early?” Victor asked as they watched Makka run happily with the other dogs in the park.

 

Yuuri shrugged. “I just wanted the extra practice. I know I’ve been having issues with landing my jumps again lately, and I was just wanting to work at it as much as I could.”

 

Victor remembered, now. Yuuri had been stressed over his recent performances, worried that he was losing his touch. Victor remembered how determined Yuuri had been to get better. He’d even get angry, both at Victor, and at himself.

 

Victor remembered Yuuri had went to the rink early that morning. He had arrived to find Yuuri nearly in tears, angry at himself for not being able to land a quad, and Victor had told him he needed a break, and Yuuri had snapped at him.

 

That’s how this morning had went.

 

Perhaps there was something significant about this day, and that’s why he was there.

 

Perhaps it had been the moment that caused Yuuri’s decline.

 

Maybe he was there…so he could change it.

 

A second chance.  A chance to make things right. A chance to save Yuuri’s life.

 

“Victor?” Yuuri was waving his hand in front of Victor’s face. “You aren’t thinking about that dream again, are you?”

 

“Oh- y-yes,” Victor said, looking at Yuuri. “I’m sorry. I got a little lost in my thoughts.”

 

A second chance. That had to be it. It didn’t make sense. People didn’t get second chances. But somehow, miraculously, Yuuri was alive. Victor had gone back two whole months.

 

He had to fix it. He had to make it right. He had to save his Yuuri. That beautiful smile. The love of his life.

 

“To be honest,” Yuuri said, with a sigh, “I wasn’t feeling quite well this morning. I guess I’ve just been a little stressed out, too, lately. I felt like if I didn’t fix these jumps right now, that I never would, and I was panicking. That’s why I went to the rink without you.”

 

Yuuri looked almost ashamed. Already, things were going a lot differently than they originally had. This was good. Victor wasn’t going to mess things up this time.

 

“Yuuri,” he said, reaching out to grab his hand. “I know that you are determined to do well. And you will, I know you. You work so hard and you…you never give up.” _You never give up_. “We will get you where you need to be, I promise. But we need to do it together. I can’t have you running away from me now. We’re a team, right?”

 

Yuuri smiled at him. “Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll…I’ll try to get better. Both at my skating, and at not shutting people out.”

 

Victor smiled. Yes, this was right. This is what they should do. Victor didn’t talk to Yuuri enough, not like this. This is what he had wished he had done in those last two weeks as he sat agonizing over missed opportunities. He wasn’t going to ignore Yuuri anymore. He wasn’t going to shrug off the little things. He was going to make sure that Yuuri would never, ever give up again.

 

* * *

 

That night Victor was able to lay in his bed without it being empty. Without it being a reminder of what he had lost. As soon as they had settled in bed Victor wrapped his arms around Yuuri, planting a kiss on his forehead. He loved Yuuri so much. He didn’t understand what he had done to be given this chance to hold Yuuri again. He didn’t deserve it, after the way he had let Yuuri down. But somehow, there he was.

 

He didn’t want to fall asleep. He just wanted to lay there with Yuuri in his arms forever. He was afraid that if he fell asleep, that his second chance would be over. And he wasn’t ready to let Yuuri go yet. He would never be ready to let him go.

 

As much as he fought it, sleep overtook him.

 

* * *

 

The alarm on his phone went off. Without opening his eyes, Victor reached around until he found it and shut it off.

 

It was morning again, and he hated mornings.

 

He had such a wonderful dream last night, that he had been able to hold Yuuri again.

 

He was barely awake and the tears were fighting him already.

 

Someone groaned next to him.

 

Victor shot up, wide awake. Yuuri was there, turned away from him, pulling the blanket over his head.

 

“Yuuri,” Victor said breathlessly. It hadn’t been a dream. Yuuri was still there. Victor looked at his phone. It was still March.

 

“I don’t want to,” Yuuri groaned sleepily.

 

Victor smiled, and the tears did come.

 

Yuuri was still there.


	3. Chapter 3

_Victor opened the apartment door. Everything was still and quiet. He closed the door behind him, a feeling of uneasiness settling in on him. “Yuuri?” he called, but got no answer. He frowned. Perhaps Yuuri had went to bed earlier? They had been working hard at practice lately, and Yuuri did seem a little tired._

_Victor peeked into the kitchen, but it hadn’t looked like Yuuri had made dinner. Suddenly Makkachin was there, whining at him. “What is it, girl? Do you need to go out?” Victor asked, going to pet her head, but Makkachin instead grabbed the sleeve to his shirt and tried to pull him the opposite way, towards his bedroom._

_“What is it?” he asked her. Makkachin really wanted him to go in the bedroom. For some reason, he didn’t want to. Something was off, and he was afraid. But he had to know._

_He went into his bedroom. The bed was empty, untouched. Was Yuuri not home? Victor didn’t hear the shower running, but he hadn’t received any messages from Yuuri that he was going anywhere, either. Victor noticed on a second glance that there was a piece of paper laying on the bed. A note. He picked it up._

_I’m so sorry._

_His stomach turned. Makkachin whined. He turned around and saw Makkachin sitting in front of the bathroom, which was dark. His heart pounding, Victor inched towards the bathroom. As he got closer, he could make out a shape on the bathroom floor._

_Yuuri’s shape._

“Victor!”

 

Victor woke up with a start. His heart was racing, and sweat poured down his face, mixing with tears. He gasped for breath, realizing that he was in bed, and Yuuri was there, leaning over him.

 

It had been a dream.

 

Except it hadn’t.

 

It had been a reminder.

 

Yuuri disappeared for a moment, and then came back into the room, pushing a glass of water into Victor’s hands. Victor drank it gratefully, trying to calm himself. “Bad dream again?” Yuuri asked, his eyes concerned, brushing Victor’s bangs out of his face.

 

“Yeah,” Victor said, trying to get the image out of his mind. 

 

Yuuri crawled back into bed, snuggling up next to Victor. Victor held Yuuri tightly. “I wish I could do something,” Yuuri said. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Victor shook his head. “It’s okay. I’m okay.” It was okay. It would be okay.

 

Victor would make sure that future never happened.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor was doing everything that he could to make sure Yuuri was happy.

 

He worked with Yuuri at his skating, never getting impatient or angry. They spent time together that they had never made time for before, whether it just meant watching a movie at home or going out to dinner. He made sure that he told Yuuri every day that he loved him, at that he was proud of him. Victor had spent the two weeks after Yuuri’s death thinking of doing these things, and wondering what it could have changed.

 

He had changed so much. Things had been going so differently than they had the first time, and yet, he would still catch Yuuri with a faraway look in his eye. Victor didn’t like it. Yuuri would often get this same look in his eye before. But he didn’t know what else he was supposed to do.

 

After almost two weeks of living in the past, Yuuri snapped at Victor.

 

“Victor, why are you always hovering around me lately?” Yuuri yelled at him one night. They had been sitting eating dinner at home, and Yuuri had been quiet. And of course, the quiet frightened Victor. Everything frightened Victor, everything that wasn’t a smile. So he had begun trying to ask Yuuri questions, but apparently Yuuri didn’t like it.

“Can’t I just have five minutes to myself where you aren’t hanging all over me? What’s gotten into you lately?” Yuuri asked, setting his fork down.

 

Victor clenched his fist, trying to stay calm. “I’m sorry, Yuuri. I just…I just worry when I see you get quiet.”

 

“You don’t have to worry, Victor,” Yuuri said, his anger dissipating. “I appreciate that you care about me, but I’m fine. Sometimes I don’t want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. It’s nothing against you, I just…that’s just who I am.”

 

Yuuri didn’t understand. He couldn’t understand. But he couldn’t push Yuuri away, either. Especially not now. But where did he draw the line? Before he had let Yuuri go off into his own world, because that’s what he had thought Yuuri needed, and look at where they had ended up. “I know, Yuuri. I’m…I’m sorry. I just like to see you happy.”

 

Yuuri cocked his head. “I am happy, Victor. I really am. You’ve made me happier that I have been in a long time. I might not be the best at showing it. But I also need to be my own person. I need my own space. I was alone for a long time, and that’s just how I’m used to functioning.”

 

“I know,” Victor said quietly. He knew Yuuri too well. “I’ll give you some more space, I promise. Just know that you can come to me anytime.”

 

Yuuri smiled. “I know. I love you, Victor.”

 

Victor’s heart clenched. “I love you too, Yuuri.”

 

* * *

 

“I need a favor from you.”

 

“No.”

 

“Please, Yuri, just listen to me.”

 

Yuri sighed on the other end. “What is it, Victor?”

 

Victor gripped the phone tightly. He needed to give Yuuri space. This he knew. But he also was afraid to give him too much. He was afraid that Yuuri wasn’t giving him the whole truth. He needed to know Yuuri was okay. “I want you to go out with Yuuri for the day.”

 

“What? What do you mean?”

 

“I don’t know, go for a run. Go out to eat. Just do something, but without me.”

 

“What? Why?” Yuri sounded suspicious.

 

Victor sighed. “I just…I just need this from you. I’m a little worried about him, and I want to see if he’s okay. But I don’t…I don’t know if he’s….” Why was this so hard to explain? Why was it so hard? Why did he have to be the only one who knew what the future held? It was terrifying, and exhausting.

 

“So you want me to spy on him for you and then report back to you?”

 

“Well, not spy. It’s not like you’d be hiding from him.”

 

Yuri sighed, sounding annoyed. “Why do you think something’s wrong with him? He seems fine to me.”

 

“Yuri, please.”

 

Silence. “Fine, old man. But only because you sound desperate and I don’t like it.”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuri watched as Yuuri quietly ate his food. They sat outside, as the weather was warmer today that usual. To him, Yuuri seemed like his normal self. Just as awkward as ever. And Victor was overdramatic, anyway. Nonetheless, he didn’t mind going out to lunch with Yuuri.

 

“I’m a little surprised you wanted to go out to lunch,” Yuuri told him with a little smile.

 

Yuri shrugged. “I was hungry.”

 

Yuuri chuckled. “Fair enough.”

 

Yuri shuffled uncomfortably. “So…what’s been going on for you lately?”

 

Yuuri raised an eyebrow. “Uh, nothing really. Just practice. I see you enough for you to know that.”

 

Yuri crossed his arms and looked away. “Fine, forget I asked.”

 

Yuuri sighed. He was a quiet for a moment. “I still am having problems with my jumps. I don’t know what it is. I feel like I have a block in my mind, or something. Something holding me back. It’s hard, sometimes. It’s hard to even get excited about skating sometimes.”

 

Yuri looked back at him. “Maybe you need a break or something.” Yuri shrugged. “It sounds like you’re just stressing yourself out too much.”

 

“Victor seems to have noticed. He’s been hovering over me like crazy.” Yuuri pushed his food around on his plate. “I feel bad because I told him to stop, even though I know he just wants to help. Lately all I’ve wanted to do is run away like I used to. But I can’t do that as easily anymore.”

 

Yuri wasn’t sure of what to say. He wasn’t exactly the best at these kinds of conversations.

 

“Maybe you are homesick?” he suggested. “You should take a trip home, even just for a couple days.”

 

Yuuri’s face brightened. “That might be fun. You and Victor could come, too!”

 

Yuri felt his cheeks get warm. Goddammit he hated it, the pleasure he got from being included. “I guess.”

 

Yuuri smiled.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri came home, and he looked happy. Victor exhaled in relief when he saw him. He was so thankful for Yuri. Obviously the kid had done or said something right to make Yuuri look that happy.

 

“Victor, Yuri had a great idea!” Yuuri said, throwing his arms around Victor. “How would you feel about taking a weekend trip to Hasetsu? Just for a few days? I think it would be good for us.”

 

Victor smiled. “That sounds perfect, my love.” He would do whatever Yuuri wanted, after all. Whatever made Yuuri happy.

 

Whatever kept Yuuri there with him.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuuri’s face lit up as his mother sat a big bowl of Katsudon down in front of him. Victor couldn’t help but laugh at the look of glee on his Yuuri’s face. Yuri looked equally excited and dug into his right away. Yuuri looked at Victor first, almost shyly.

 

“I haven’t won anything lately,” he said. “More of the opposite, actually.”

 

Victor smiled, his chin in his hand. “Everyone deserves a treat every once and a while, Yuuri. There is always an accomplishment to celebrate.”

 

Yuuri smiled, and taking that as permission, took a huge bite of his food, looking content. They had arrived in Hasetsu earlier that day, and Hiroko had insisted on making them Yuuri’s favorite dish for dinner. Yuuri had already looked a lot calmer since arriving back in his hometown, and Victor could tell he was happy to be home. He hadn’t thought much about how Yuuri must miss his home. Yuuri never mentioned it, after all. But Victor should have known. It couldn’t have been easy to Yuuri to give up everything he knew and move in with Victor. But he had done it. Victor felt guilty. He had asked a lot of Yuuri, and Yuuri had not asked much of him.

 

“I’m so full,” Yuri sighed sleepily, lying back on the floor. Yuuri chuckled but didn’t say anything. Despite the long trip, Victor was wide awake. There was something about the day that made him want it to last forever. Yuuri noticed Victor watching him and smiled.

 

“Will you go for a walk with me?” Yuuri asked.

 

“Of course,” Victor replied.

 

Leaving Yuri asleep on the floor, they made their way outside. The sun was starting to set, giving the sky a beautiful golden color. The walked hand in hand, making their way to the beach. The air was cold but neither of them seemed to care. They walked to the water’s edge, staring out at the waves. Yuuri closed his eyes, a small smile on his face. Victor didn’t say anything. He was happy just being there with Yuuri.

 

“Thank you,” Yuuri finally said, turning to look at him. “For agreeing to this, and coming with me. I hadn’t realized how much I needed it.”

 

“It is my pleasure,” Victor replied, brushing Yuuri’s hair out of his face. “I think I needed it, as well.”

 

Yuuri nodded. He looked back out at the water. “I love St. Petersburg, and I love living there. But sometimes I miss it. I miss home. Especially when…I start to stress about things. I feel safe, here. Not that I don’t feel safe,” he added hastily. “I always feel safe when you are with me. But…there’s just something about home, you know?”

 

“I do,” Victor said. He remembered feeling that way at time when he had spent months away here in Hasetsu with Yuuri.

 

They were quiet for a few more minutes. Standing there, with Yuuri’s hand in his, Victor realized something. The past couple weeks, he had been trying so hard to make Yuuri happy in any way he could. But he hadn’t been listening to Yuuri. He had been doing what he assumed was best for Yuuri, rather than what Yuuri actually wanted. He had been so afraid, so afraid to see Yuuri upset, or angry. He was afraid that if he didn’t do everything, that Yuuri would end up back in that bathroom, feeling as if his only escape was to end his life.

 

This wasn’t something that Victor could just fix with more date nights. This was much bigger than that. Yuuri needed more than that. He needed someone to listen to him. He needed someone to be there for him.

 

Victor was still scared. He couldn’t forget what had happened. It had broken him, after all. He had been so desperate to change things, and to save Yuuri. He couldn’t forget finding Yuuri’s cold body on that bathroom floor. His absolute desperation to bring him back, begging Yuuri to open his eyes and he held on to his lifeless body. Knowing that Yuuri had felt so scared, so lost, that taking a bottle of pills had seemed like the right thing to do…Victor wished he could forget it.

 

“Victor? What’s wrong?” Victor jumped, realizing he was still on the beach, and not back in the dark bathroom. Yuuri was looking at him, concerned, wiping a tear from Victor’s face. When had he started crying?

 

“I’m fine, love,” Victor said, pulling Yuuri into an embrace. “I’m just so happy to be here with you, like this.”

 

“So am I,” Yuuri said, his hand on the back on Victor’s head, pulling Victor’s head onto his shoulder. “Are you sure that’s it?”

 

There was so much that Victor wished he could explain. He wished that someone understood. But they couldn’t. This was his battle to win, on his own.

 

“I’m sure.”

 

* * *

 

 

The rink was deserted, and Yuuri was happy about it. Yuuko had told him he was welcome to use the rink at any hour to practice, and he had taken up her offer. They had arrived in Hasetsu the day before, and he had planned on coming to the rink the next morning with Victor and Yuri to practice.

 

However, here he was, at 3 am, standing alone in the empty rink.

 

He was happy to be home again. Yesterday had been amazing, though Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder if Victor was okay. Victor had been acting strangely for a couple weeks now, like he had something on his mind. But Yuuri couldn’t get him to talk about it. Yuuri couldn’t help but wonder if he had done something wrong. Had he upset Victor in some way? Did Victor think that he had upset Yuuri in some way? Victor _had_ seemed like he was trying to make up for something, though he had never done anything wrong.

 

Yuuri’s depression and anxiety had been affecting him again recently. It wasn’t anything new to him, as he’s been fighting it for many years. But he had never been in a relationship before. He had seen it affect his family, and his friends. But it had been different with them. Perhaps, they were just used to it. Victor was different. Maybe it was too much for Victor? Yuuri hated to think that he was causing Victor stress or worry.

 

He started skating through his routine, once again determined to hand his jump. Victor had told him that he didn’t need the quad, and that his program was good enough without it. But Yuuri didn’t feel good enough. He was sure that if he just landed the damn quad, he would be better than good enough. It would be great. It would be something Victor could be proud of.

 

He thought of Victor today, crying on the beach. Was Victor really happy? Was being with Yuuri too much for him?

 

He would feel so much better if he could just land the quad.

 

He flipped into the air, and he knew before he landed that it was wrong. It was always wrong, after all. He landed wrong on his ankle, feeling pain shoot up his leg, and crashed down on the ice.

 

His ankle throbbed, but Yuuri didn’t move. Of course. Of course this would happen. This is exactly what he needed, while they were on vacation, right when he was having difficulties in practice. He tried to move his toes. It hurt like hell, but they moved okay. He sighed. The ice was cold, but he wasn’t sure if he could get up on his own.

 

“Good Yuuuri, you’re pathetic,” he told himself, and he felt tears form in his eyes. Goddamn tears. Why did he always have to cry? What was wrong with him?

 

He pulled out his phone from his jacket. Luckily, he hadn’t broken it. Luckily, he had left his phone on him instead of leaving it.

 

“Hello?” Victor’s voice was hoarse with sleep.

 

“Hey,” Yuuri replied, his voice strained, trying to hide the fact that he was crying, though he knew it was no good.

 

“Yuuri?” Victor sounded confused. “Where are you? Are you okay?”

 

“Can you come to the Ice Castle?” Yuuri asked. “My mom has a key, I can tell you where it is.”

 

“Are you okay?” Victor asked again.

 

Yuuri took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “I think I sprained my ankle.”

 

Victor sighed. “Where’s the key at?”

 

* * *

 

 

Yuuri was sitting on the ice when Victor arrived. By the time Victor got out there to him, Yuuri was crying silently, not even bothering to look at Victor. Victor helped him up and supported him off the ice, both of them silent. Victor was upset that he hadn’t even heard Yuuri get up out of bed. He hadn’t even realized Yuuri wasn’t in bed with him until he realized it was Yuuri calling him.

 

“Alright, I’m taking the skate off,” he told Yuuri once they were in the locker room. Yuuri nodded, wincing as Victor pulled the skate off. His ankle was swollen, but it didn’t seem to be broken, which was a relief.

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said, looking down. “We were supposed to be having a nice vacation and I had to go and mess it up.”

 

Victor put his hand under Yuuri’s chin, making Yuuri look back up at him. “You didn’t mess anything up, love. Accidents happen. I’ve sprained my ankle enough times to know this. Don’t fret about it. It will be fine in a few days.”

 

“I know,” Yuuri said tearfully.

 

“This will just give me an excuse to pamper you for the rest of our trip,” Victor said with a smile. “We could use the relaxation anyway.”

 

Yuuri sniffed and nodded. Victor felt a pang at seeing Yuuri look so sad and hurt. This is exactly what he had been trying to avoid. “Let’s get you home and get some ice on that, okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded again. Victor pulled Yuuri up in to his arms, and Yuuri didn’t even fight him. Yuuri snuggled his head into Victor’s shoulder. “Thank you for always being there for me.”

 

Victor bit his lip, the words hurting more than they should. “I’ll always be here for you, Yuuri.”


	5. Chapter 5

Somewhere between the rink and Yuuri’s home, Yuuri started to drift to sleep in Victor’s arms. The streets of Hasetsu were empty and dark this time of night. Victor could have called Mari to pick them up, but despite his arms hurting from holding Yuuri, he didn’t mind carrying him home. It felt good to hold on to Yuuri, to protect him in some way. Victor hoped that Yuuri would not be too upset with himself over his sprained ankle. He knew how Yuuri could get, and even if a sprain was a simple injury, Yuuri would probably still be angry with himself.

 

Yuuri stirred awake when they got back home. Luckily no one had seemed to have noticed that they were gone, so Victor was able to slip Yuuri into his room quietly. He lay Yuuri down in his bed. “I’m going to get some ice for your ankle,” Victor told him. “Do you need anything else?”

 

Yuuri shook his head. Luckily Victor still remembered the layout of the inn pretty well and found everything without much problem. He grabbed Yuuri a glass of water and some ibuprofen for good measure. Yuuri was still awake when he returned to the room, and took the water and pills gratefully. Victor propped up Yuuri’s foot on a pillow, wrapping it and put an icepack on it. “How does that feel?” he asked Yuuri, looking up at him.

 

Yuuri smiled weakly. “Better. Thank you.”

 

“Of course,” Victor said, squeezing into bed next to him.

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said again.

 

“I told you, love. It’s okay.”

 

“And I’m sorry I went to the rink without telling you.”

 

Victor sighed. “It’s okay, Yuuri. I promise. I’m not upset with you. I’m upset that you are hurt, my love, but I’m not upset at you for it. Accidents happen, especially when you are a skater.”

 

Yuuri put his head on Victor’s chest. “What are we going to do now? We’re gonna be stuck here the rest of the trip.”

 

“That sounds perfect to me,” Victor said, stroking Yuuri’s hair. “I’m sure we’ll have fun.”

 

* * *

 

Being stuck at the inn ended up being a blessing. Yuri had been annoyed at first that Yuuri and Victor weren’t going with him to practice the next morning. But Victor promised he would make the time to go later, and Yuri seemed pleased. Hiroko pulled out some of her old family videos, and together they all watched some of Yuuri’s early skating videos. Victor hadn’t seen these videos before, and they were quite adorable. Yuri sure found them amusing, and soon they were all laughing over little Yuuri skating. Hiroko and Mari made sure to tell the stories behind the videos as well, making Yuuri go red in the face. But even though he was embarrassed, Victor could tell Yuuri was happy. His mother made sure to make him some more Katsudon that night for dinner, and Minako came over to join them, bringing enough booze with her to supply a party. Yuuri ended up going to sleep early, skipping out on the alcohol, even though Minako seemed disappointed. Once Yuuri was settled and comfortable in bed, Victor went back out to join Minako, who was sitting with Mari, Yuuri’s parents already off to bed as well. Yuri sat in the corner, his headphones in, oblivious to the world.

 

“You are too good with that boy,” Minako told Victor when he sat back down. She pushed a glass towards him. “I’m jealous.”

 

Victor smiled, looking down at the cup but not taking a drink. “He means the world to me.”

 

“Alright Victor, what is it?” Mari asked him, crossing her arms.

 

“What?” he asked, looking up at her.

 

“You’ve been off all day, and yesterday too,” Mari noted. “I can see it. There’s something off about you, like something is troubling with you.”

 

“I could tell, as well,” Minako agreed. “You are not much better than Yuuri at hiding your feelings.”

 

“Nothing’s been wrong,” Victor said, but he wanted to tell them. He needed to talk about it. He needed to let it out.

 

“We aren’t stupid, Victor,” Mari said.

 

Victor sighed, trying to think of a way to explain things without sounding insane. “It’s just…Yuuri’s been having some issues lately. With his anxiety and depression.”

 

“I assumed as much,” Mari said with a nod.

 

“And…well….” Victor took a drink from his glass, hoping it would help him. “I had…I had this dream, a couple weeks ago. I had a dream….”

 

Minako and Mari leaned forward, waiting for him to continue. Victor’s heart raced. He hadn’t told anyone, not even Yuuri, about what he had experienced.

 

“I had a dream that Yuuri…committed suicide.” He gripped the glass tightly. “But it was more than a dream…it was very, very real. It was very real for me, at least. And ever since then, I’ve been so scared. I’ve been afraid that it will come true if I don’t stop it.”

 

Minako and Mari looked sympathetic. “Have you told Yuuri?” Mari asked.

 

“No,” Victor sighed.

 

Minako and Mari looked at one another, exchanging a silent conversation. Victor looked over at Yuri, who was watching them. When he noticed Victor looking at him, however, he hastily looked back down at his phone.

 

Minako leaned forward, her voice softer than Victor was used to. “Yuuri once tried to commit suicide, when he was a teenager. Did he ever tell you this?”

 

Yuuri hadn’t, but Victor knew this. Mari had told him after Yuuri had died. “He never told me,” Victor said.

 

“I was lucky enough to find him when I did,” Mari said with a sigh. “He went away soon after that. He moved to Detroit, where he started to train under Celestino, and he met Phichit. He told us back then that he had needed to get away. And I think it did help him, at least for a little while.” Mari took a long drink. “Is he seeing a doctor, now?” she asked Victor.

 

Victor shook his head. “He went a couple times, but he hasn’t been back in months.”

 

“Yuuri’s a good kid, but he’s stubborn as hell,” Minako said. She looked at Mari.

 

“I’ll talk to him,” Mari said. “He’s pretty good at listening to me,” she told Victor. “I know him pretty well so I just know how to get through to him when he needs it. You did the right thing, though, bringing him back here. He may not admit it, but I think being here helps him, even if it’s for a little while.”

 

“Do you think that we should stay here?” Victor asked her. “I want to help him, whichever way I can. But I think I’ve been trying too hard back in St. Petersburg.”

 

“That’s up to you, and Yuuri,” Mari said with a shrug. “You both are always welcome here, of course. But you have to talk to Yuuri and see what he wants. I know you have your competitions and whatnot to consider. But, for what it’s worth, I think it’s a good idea. Especially for you, Victor. It’s a lot to take on by yourself.”

 

Her words meant so much to him. He felt the tears unwillingly filling his eyes. He blinked and looked down. It had been a lot to try and deal with alone. More than they even knew.

 

Minako reached out and patted his arm. “It will be okay, Victor. We’ll take care of Yuuri, and of you as well.”

 

Victor smiled at her. Mari patted his arm as well. He felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He wasn’t alone, anymore.

 

Yuuri had been so happy today, after all, sitting around and laughing with his family and friends. Victor had been happy, as well. He would gladly give up living in St. Petersburg if it meant more happy nights like that.

 

* * *

 

 

Victor woke up early, Yuuri still asleep next to him. Victor smiled, enjoying watching Yuuri sleep. He looked so peaceful. Victor had slept a lot better last night than he had in a while, and he was feeling a lot better himself. He really had been handling his whole situation wrong. He shouldn’t have been trying to do everything by himself. It wasn’t good for him, and neither was it good for Yuuri. He would have just ended up pushing Yuuri farther away.

 

Yuuri’s eyes opened, blinking sleepily. He looked over and noticed Victor was awake. “Hey,” he said with a yawn. “Were you…watching me?”

 

“Just for a little while,” Victor replied, pressing a kiss against Yuuri’s forehead.

 

Yuuri smiled but didn’t say anything. He reached for his glasses, pushing them on. “How does your ankle feel?” Victor asked, sitting up.

 

Yuuri shrugged. “It feels okay.” He moved it and winced. “Still a little sore.”

 

“It’s looking a little better, but you should still keep off of it,” Victor noted, unwinding the bandaging to check it. The swelling had gone down some, though there was some bruising. “I guess that means another day in for us.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Yuuri said, sounding defeated.

 

“Yuuri, what have I said,” Victor said, wrapping his ankle back up. “No apology is needed. I’ve rather enjoyed this time in with you.” He massaged Yuuri’s ankle, and Yuuri relaxed a bit. “Are you hungry?”

 

“Yes,” Yuuri said.

 

“Good, because I am too,” Victor said. “Why don’t we eat something? And then, I want to talk to you about something.”

 

Yuuri tensed again. “About what?”

 

“It’s nothing bad.”

 

He could tell Yuuri was afraid. He could only imagine the fears crossing Yuuri’s mind, so he decided just to come out and say it.

 

“I was thinking that maybe we could stay in Hasetsu for a bit.”

 

Yuuri looked surprised. “Like, stay longer than our vacation?”

 

Victor nodded, still massaging Yuuri’s ankle, Yuuri’s foot in his lap. “It’s been a nice change of pace,” Victor said, looking down. “I can tell that you’ve missed everyone, and that they’ve missed you as well. We still have the rink here, so we can still practice as needed. I can take a quick trip back, and get Makka and whatever things we might need.”

 

Yuuri looked uncertain. “Are you sure that’s what you want? St. Petersburg is our home, now. It’s your home.”

 

“And it always will be,” Victor agreed. “But it isn’t going anywhere. And I’ve kind of missed the charm of Hasetsu. What about you?”

 

Yuuri smiled. “I have missed it. If you’re sure, Victor, then…I’m okay with it. But as long as you are.”

 

Victor smiled. “I am more than okay with it, my love.”

 

* * *

 

 

Victor decided to go with Yuri to the rink that afternoon, giving Yuuri some space, as Victor didn’t want to hover around him too much, and he had his family there to help him if needed. Plus, he needed to talk to Yuri about what they had decided. He knew Yuri wouldn’t be happy about it.

 

Yuri was rather quiet as they jogged to the rink. Victor tried to make conversation, but Yuri only gave him short answers. Victor was beginning to think, just as they finished their warm ups, that Yuri had already found out about their decision to say in Hasetsu, when Yuri finally spoke to him.

 

“Is that why you wanted me to talk to Yuuri that day? You thought Yuuri was going to try and kill himself?”

 

Victor was taken aback. The words hit him hard, as if Yuri had punched him. He hadn’t really thought about how much of his conversation Yuri had heard the night before.

 

“Well…kind of,” Victor admitted uncomfortably. “I wasn’t sure what to think, and trying to find out on my own had just been making Yuuri upset.”

 

“Do you really think he would do that?” Yuri asked him quietly.

 

Victor’s heart hammered. “I-I don’t know.” But he did know. “I would hope not, but....”

 

“But if he tried it before….” Yuri looked at his feet for a moment, before looking back up at Victor. “I’ll help. If I can, at least. If there’s a way that I can help, then I will.”

 

“Well, there is something I want to talk to you about,” Victor said with a sigh. “I’ve talked to Yuuri about it already. We’re going to be staying in Hasetsu for a little while. I think it will help him.”

 

Yuri looked at him thoughtfully. Victor had expected him to be angry, but he wasn’t. Of course, Yuri cared about Yuuri. More than he was willing to admit. “Can I stay, too?” Yuri asked.

 

Victor’s first thought was to say no. But then, he realized, that it wasn’t his decision to make. “That’s up to you. I’m not sure how Yakov would feel about it.”

 

Yuri shrugged. “I’ll have you here, and Yuuri. I can deal without Yakov for a while.”

 

Victor chuckled. “I won’t stop you.”

 

Yuri nodded. “Fine, then. I’ll stay, too.”

 

Victor grinned and pulled Yuri into a hug, though Yuri hastily pushed him away. Victor was thankful that there were so many people that were willing to try and help support Yuuri.

 

Victor was sure that together, they could show Yuuri that his life was worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to say a quick thank you for all of the support I have received on this fan fiction so far!! Reading your comments really makes my day <3 
> 
> A side note, if you are interested: I often name my fics after songs, as I know a lot of people do. This particular fan fiction was named after a song by the group Digital Daggers, called 'Back to the Start' (obviously! xD) I've actually name quite a few of my stories after their songs. Back to the Start and another of their songs, Still Here, have really influenced this story for me. 
> 
> If you have the time, you should give this songs a listen. 
> 
> Thank you again, as always! I'm not sure how long this will turn out, as I never really plan these things out but instead just go with it. But I'm enjoying this story quite a bit! So I'd expect it to have a few more chapters. 
> 
> <3


	6. Chapter 6

Yuuri sat alone in his room, looking through some of his old photo albums with a small smile on his face. Both Victor and Yuri had gone back to Russia to gather some of their things before returning to Hasetsu, leaving Yuuri alone with his family at the inn. He had promised Victor he would be good and stay off of his ankle until he was sure it was feeling better, which meant he had a lot of extra time to sit around. Finding the photo albums had been a welcome distraction. He had them from when he was a child, a teen, and even from the years that he lived in Detroit. The memories he captured brought a smile to his face, remembering times with his family and friends. But, some of the pictures made him sad, too. He felt like so much had changed in his life. He could see the changes in the photos. He barely had any photographs from Detroit; they were mainly ones that Phichit had taken and given him.

 

His mind began to wander, thinking of Victor. He wondered if Victor had really wanted to stay in Hasetsu, or if he was only doing so because he thought it was what Yuuri wanted. Victor loved St. Petersburg, after all. He could talk all day about how much he loved it and missed it when he was gone. Yuuri, on the other hand, was different. He loved Hasetsu, of course, but not in the same way. He loved it because it was home, but he could leave the town for years and be fine. He had done so before.

 

And now Yuri was coming to stay as well. Wouldn’t that mess up his training with Yakov and Lilia?

 

“What are you stressing about?”

 

Yuuri jumped and looked up to see Mari leaning in his doorway. “Nothing,” he said at once, closing the photo album. “I was just looking at photos.”

 

Mari studied him. “Are you having second thoughts about staying here?”

 

“No,” Yuuri said, wishing she would stop questioning him.

 

Mari crossed her arms. “What, am I not allowed to talk to you?”

 

He sighed, wish his ankle would allow him to escape. “Of course you are. But why with all the questions?”

 

“Just trying to figure out what’s going on in that head of yours, Yuuri,” Mari shrugged. “I’m glad to have you guys here, if you’re wondering. It’s been boring around here lately.”

 

“I’m glad we can be of entertainment to you.”

 

Mari chuckled. “How have you been? Fitting in at your new home?”

 

Yuuri shrugged. “I guess. I haven’t really done much since I got there besides practice.”

 

“And how’s that been?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Of course,” Mari said, rolling her eyes. “Well, I’m going to go and leave you alone. Have fun with your photos.” And with that, she turned and walked away. Yuuri sighed, thankful for the silence. Mari always knew when he was feeling anxious, like it was a sixth sense for her. Guess that’s what growing up together does.

 

Yuuri looked down at his photo album, and hoped he hadn’t made a mistake agreeing to stay in Hasetsu. He hoped that Victor had been telling the truth when he said that he had wanted to stay there.

 

* * *

 

 

“Makkachin!” Yuuri happily opened his arms, and Makkachin happily ran to him. Victor smiled warmly as Yuuri turned to him, wrapping his arms around Victor’s neck.

 

“I’m not sure who you missed more, me or Makka,” Victor chuckled, and Yuuri smiled. “How’s your ankle?”

 

“Much better,” Yuuri said, looking down at his feet. “I should be able to get back out on the ice in a couple days.”

 

“Good,” Victor said, satisfied. “What did you do while I saw gone?”

 

Yuuri shrugged. “Not much,” He said, watching as Mari made the effort to help Yuri with his things. “Was Yakov angry?”

 

“Yes,” Victor admitted, “though he’s usually angry.”

 

Yuuri laughed, and Victor treasured the sound. “I want to take you out tonight,” Yuuri said, his arms still around Victor’s neck. “We haven’t gotten to really do anything out of the house with my stupid ankle. I owe it to you.”

 

“It’s a date,” Victor said, smiling at Yuuri’s pink cheeks.

 

That night, they went out to dinner, just the two of them. They went to a restaurant by the beach and were able to watch the sunset. Everything was perfect, and Vicvtor could not have been happier. Everything was falling into place. Everything was going the way that it should have gone before. He was together with Yuuri, and Yuuri was happier.

 

Even though Victor still saw that faraway look in his eye.

 

Yuri and Mari were still up, trying tea when they arrived home. Yuuri excused himself to the bathroom, and Victor took up Mari’s offer for some tea.

 

“How was your date?” she asked, making Yuri choke on his tea.

 

“Good,” Victor said with a smile, ignoring Yuri’s scowl. “I’m happy that we decided to stay here. I have a feeling it was the right decision.”

 

“Good,” Mari said with a nod.

 

“We’re going to the rink tomorrow, even if I have to drag your ass,” Yuri interrupted, and Mari snickered.

 

“I’m so glad you came,” she said, and Yuri threw her a dirty look.

 

Victor grinned and looked toward that bathroom. Yuuri had been in there an awful long time. He hoped that the food hadn’t made Yuuri sick. He waited a couple more minutes, and when Yuuri still hadn’t come out, he decided to go and check on him.

 

He reached the door, and just when he was able to call to Yuuri, he stopped. He heard a sound coming from the bathroom.

 

Sobs.

 

Faint, but they were definitely sobs. His heart hammered, and immediately, he was back in St. Petersburg, finding Yuuri’s cold body on the bathroom floor.

 

“Yuuri,” he said loudly, imagining the worst. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

 

“I’m fine,” Yuuri’s voice came from the other side, but Victor didn’t believe him. Victor was panicking. He couldn’t handle living through that again. He couldn’t, he wouldn’t-

 

“Yuuri open up the door right now!” he yelled, his voice sounding harsher than he meant, but he needed Yuuri to open the door. He needed to see that Yuuri was okay. Mari and Yuri, looking worried, appeared as well.

 

“What’s going on?” Mari asked.

 

“I’m coming, Victor!” Yuuri replied, still not opening the door. Why wasn’t he opening it? Was Victor already too late? Had Yuuri already swallowed the pills? He desperately tried to pull at the locked door.

 

“He’s not trying to hurt himself, if he?” Yuri asked, looking scared, suddenly right next to Victor.

 

Suddenly the door opened and Yuuri was there. His eyes were red, but the tears were gone. Instead, he looked angry.

 

“What the hell, Victor?” he snapped, glaring at him. “What was your problem?”

 

Victor sighed in relief, not caring that Yuuri was angry. He was alive, and that was what mattered.

 

“Did you think I was going to try something stupid?” Yuuri asked, looking from Victor to Yuri, and then to Mari, who hung in the back.

 

“No,” Victor said hurriedly, though they all knew that was a lie. “I- I just heard you and you sounded upset, so-“

 

“Did Mari tell you something?” Yuuri asked, his eyes flying back to Victor. “Because if she did, that was years ago, Victor, and-“

 

“I know, I know!” Victor said quickly, and then Yuuri’s eyes widened.

 

“You _did_ tell them?” he directed at Mari.

 

“Yuuri-“

 

“What, have you all just been sitting around the table talking about me?”

 

“Yuuri please,” Victor begged. “Don’t be angry at Mari, she-“

 

“Just get out of my way!” Yuuri yelled angrily, shoving Victor aside and pushing by them all. They should hear the door to the inn slam. They stood there in silence for a few moments, Victor clenching his fists. He had over reacted, and now Yuuri was angry at all of them. He should have kept his calm, he could have-

 

“Victor, go after him,” Mari said. She still looked worried. “He won’t want to talk to me. But he shouldn’t be alone right now, either.”

 

Victor nodded and followed after Yuuri, his body trembling. The night was already dark, but he knew there were only so many places that Yuuri could go. He was angry with himself. As soon as things started to look better, he messed things up again. He had overreacted, and he knew it. But it was something that he couldn’t help. He couldn’t stop the panic that gripped him.

 

What he had experienced with Yuuri’s suicide was not something that he could forget, or just get over. Not even now that he had Yuuri back. He wasn’t even sure anymore what was real, what was a dream- but he knew that it had been real for him. Even if no one else remembered, he could never forget.

 

He had been so sure that changing the original course of what had happened would change everything. He had been sure that he could make Yuuri happy. But he hadn’t been that lucky, so far. It was as if the universe was out to get them. Everything he did ended up in Yuuri being upset or angry. He wished he could forget the past that haunted him. If he could just forget about what had happened that day, walking into his bathroom, then maybe life would be at least a little easier. At least he wouldn’t feel as if every little thing would end in Yuuri’s death.

 

He heard the sound before he saw anything; just the sound of tires screeching in the night. But still, Victor knew. He was running, praying to anyone who would listen. He came around the corner to see an older man getting out of his car, mumbling something in Japanese. And there was Yuuri, his Yuuri, in the middle of the street, and Victor was crying, because he couldn’t do this again, not now, not ever, and it was all his fault, and Yuuri kept hurting because of him, and-

 

The old man was on his phone, speaking quickly. Victor fell to his knees beside Yuuri, his heart hammering in his ears. Yuuri’s head was bleeding from a cut on his forehead, but other than that, Victor wasn’t sure what other injuries he had. He gently reached out and touched Yuuri’s face, his hand trembling. Yuuri’s skin was warm, unlike that night.

 

The relief he felt when Yuuri opened his eyes nearly made him faint.


	7. Chapter 7

Victor sat alone in the waiting room of the hospital. Well, Yuri was there, but he might as well be alone, because Yuri wasn’t talking to him. Yuri stayed curled up in a chair, his attention on his phone. Victor, however, could not sit still. His mind was racing, his thoughts overtaking him. Yuuri’s family was back there with him, and Victor was stuck waiting. Mari had told Victor to come with them, but Victor had declined. He wasn’t sure if Yuuri was ready to see him. He was sure if he was ready to see Yuuri, either.

 

For a moment there, Victor had been certain that Yuuri was dead. That they had come all this way and Yuuri had still ended up dying. But somehow, they had gotten lucky. The man hadn’t been going fast enough when he hit Yuuri to have caused any life-threatening injury. Victor had stayed with Yuuri until they reached the hospital in the ambulance, though Yuuri hadn’t been very with it. He had held on to Victor’s hand, though, which meant he must not hate him.

 

But Victor couldn’t help but wonder. So many thoughts raced through his mind. Had Yuuri jumped in front of the car, or had it been an accident? Was Yuuri angry at him for the way he had been acting? Was it Victor’s presence in Yuuri’s life that was causing him trouble to begin with? Yuuri wouldn’t have run out of the house had it not been for him, after all. And even beforehand, he had been unable to help Yuuri. He had been unable to catch the warning signs that led to Yuuri’s suicide. Who knows how different things would have been had Yuuri never come to live with him in the first place.

 

Victor wasn’t sure what to think. But he couldn’t help but feel as if he was hurting Yuuri more than he was helping him. He loved Yuuri with all his heart, and he knew that Yuuri loved him as well. But maybe, sometimes, love just wasn’t enough.

 

“Victor.”

 

Victor jumped and saw Mari standing in front of him, looking tired. “We are going to head home and get some sleep,” she told him. “You are welcome to go sit with him, or you could come home with us.”

 

Victor couldn’t leave. He couldn’t leave Yuuri here. And sooner or later, he would have to face him again.

 

“Is he okay?” Victor asked, his voice cracking.

 

Mari sighed, sitting down. “Do you mean physically or emotionally, or both?”

 

“Both,” Victor answered.

 

“Physically he will be fine,” she said. “He had a concussion. His wrist is broken, and other than that just some bruising. The doctor said he can probably go home tomorrow, and that they are just holding him as a precaution with his head injury.”

 

Victor just nodded, his stomach feeling sick.

 

“Emotionally…hell, I don’t know,” Mari sighed. “He hasn’t really said much. He did ask for you, though.”

 

Victor felt both happy that Yuuri had asked for him, and sad that he wasn’t already by Yuuri’s side. “I’ll stay with him, if that’s okay,” Victor told Mari, and she smiled.

 

“Good, I was hoping you’d say that. I’ll look after Makka for you. Yurio,” she said, turning to Yuri. “Are you ready to go?”

 

Yuri looked uncomfortable. “Yeah, I guess, since he’s fine.”

 

Victor figured that Yuri had been worried, and that had been the reason that he had been so quiet. “Alright then Victor,” Mari said, standing up. “You can call us if needed. Try to get some sleep if you can. We’ll be back in the morning.”

 

Victor nodded, feeling exhausted by his many emotions. Mari patted his shoulder and then walked away, Yuri trailing behind her, shooting Victor an unsure look as he went.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri seemed to be asleep when Victor arrived at his room. He had a bandage on his head, and his right hand was in a splint. Victor took the seat next to his bed, and nearly jumped when Yuuri turned his head and looked at him.

 

“Hey,” Yuuri said.

 

Victor tried to smile. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m okay. A little sore.” He held up his injured arm. “I’m going to be off the ice for a while, unfortunately.”

 

“That’s okay,” Victor replied, scooting closer. “I’m just happy that it wasn’t worse. And at least you will heal and be back out there before you know it.”

 

“Hm.” Yuuri looked down for a moment, and then back at Victor. Victor wanted to say so many things, and he wasn’t sure where to start.

 

“I’m sorry,” he started, and then realized that Yuuri had said the same thing at the same time. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” Victor quickly added.

 

“I wasn’t paying attention to what I was doing,” Yuuri sighed. “I wasn’t really expecting any cars over there, and so I just ran without looking.”

 

Victor sighed, feeling relieved. It had just been an accident. “I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier today,” he said, looking down. “I think that I’m doing the right thing, but then it always winds up being wrong.”

 

Yuuri was quiet. After a moment, Victor looked up, wondering if Yuuri had dozed off. But Yuuri was awake, studying him. Finally, he spoke.

 

“I was crying in the bathroom,” he started. “I was crying, even though we had a beautiful night. Whenever something goes well for me, I start to second guess everything. It’s nothing that you or anyone else does. It’s me. I start to get doubts, and worries. I start to feel undeserving. I was in that bathroom, thinking about how wonderful you are, and how you’ll always do anything for me. And then I start to wonder why. I start to wonder if I’m holding you back. I start to feel like I’m not worthy. Like I’ll never be good enough.”

 

He paused. Victor didn’t speak. He held his breath, waiting to see if Yuuri would continue. Yuuri had never been this honest about his feelings, and although it hurt Victor to hear that Yuuri thought this way, he wanted Yuuri to keep talking.

 

“It’s no one’s fault that I am this way,” Yuuri continued. “I’ve always been this way. And then the feelings build up more and more, and then I snap. I yell, or I cry, or I get myself hit by a car.” Yuuri sighed. “And, since Mari did already tell you, when I was a teenager, I tried to kill myself. The feelings just got to be too much and I needed an escape. Things aren’t always that bad, but sometimes, every once in a while, I get back there. It hasn’t ever completely gone away.”

 

Victor took Yuuri’s uninjured hand in his, and Yuuri squeezed it. “Yuuri,” Victor asked, carefully. “Do I…do I make it worse?”

 

Yuuri’s eyes widened. “No, of course not!”

 

“Because if I do, you can tell me. I would understand. I don’t want to cause you pain. I don’t-“

 

“Victor, please, stop,” Yuuri said, his eyes sparkling. “I need you. I need you with me. Please don’t think anything otherwise. You’re the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.”

 

Victor felt his own tears falling. “Can I tell you something, Yuuri? Something that sounds crazy?” Yuuri nodded. “A few weeks ago…I had a dream. Except it wasn’t a dream. For me, it was reality. We had been living in St. Petersburg, together, and you had started changing. I had seen the little changes, and I had ignored them.  And then, one day I came home from practice, and…” Victor had to force himself to continue. “You were in the bathroom, and y-you were dead. You had taken a bottle of pills, and left me a note saying you were sorry. And then one day I woke up, and you were back. You were alive again. And I ran all the way to the rink to see you.”

 

Yuuri stared at him. “That day…that day you came in crying?”

 

Victor nodded. “I was just so happy to see you, alive and healthy. Your death…it had killed me, Yuuri. I couldn’t even function anymore. You are everything to me. And then tonight, when I heard you crying in the bathroom, it brought me back to that moment. And then again when I saw you in the road tonight…” He could barely breathe over his tears. He reached out and touched Yuuri’s face. “I can’t live in a world where you do not exist, Yuuri. I would live apart from you, if it meant you were happy and healthy. But I cannot face a world without you in it.”

 

“Is-is that why you’ve been trying so hard?” Yuuri asked, closing his eyes at Victor’s touch.

 

“Yes,” Victor managed to say, and Yuuri bit his lip.

 

“Will you lay with me?” Yuuri whispered, and Victor couldn’t even answer. He just got up, Yuuri shifting slightly in bed to make room. Victor squeezed into the bed and held on to Yuuri tightly, Yuuri resting his head on Victor’s chest. They were both crying, both of them having held in their feelings for so long. They sat there quietly as their tears subsided, and Victor felt better than he had in months. Yuuri’s breathings had relaxed, and Victor was sure he had fallen asleep, until Yuuri said, “I promise I’ll work on getting better. I’ll even start seeing a doctor again if I have to. I don’t want to worry you anymore.”

 

Victor closed his eyes, fighting back more tears. “I’m proud of you, my love.”

 

Yuuri did fall asleep after that. They stayed there in bed the rest of the night, until the nurse came in and shooed Victor out of bed. Yuuri’s family came by in the morning, Yurio in tow, and they were able to take Yuuri home. The doctor explained possible side effects of Yuuri’s injuries and told Yuuri to get some rest over the next few days. Victor felt a lot lighter than he had, and Yuuri seemed happier too. Mari definitely noticed, and gave Victor a knowing smile.

 

“I’m sorry you have to keep taking care of me like this,” Yuuri sighed as Victor helped him get comfortable in bed once they were home.

 

Victor smiled. “I don’t mind at all, my love, though I would prefer it if you didn’t get hurt again for a long while. Or ever again.”

 

Yuuri smiled, too. “So what are we going to do now, since I won’t be able to skate again for a while?”

 

Victor shrugged. “We will cheer Yuri on, for sure. Enjoy each other’s company. Take long walks in the park.”

 

Yuuri chuckled. “Thank you,” he said, his face becoming serious. “Thank you for listening to me, and for opening up to me as well.”

 

Victor nodded. “We just have to promise one another that we will keep being honest. No matter how crazy we feel, or how embarrassed, or how afraid. We will be honest.”

 

“I promise that I will,” Yuuri replied.

 

Victor grabbed Yuuri’s hand and kissed it. “And I promise, as well.”


	8. Chapter 8

Mari and Yuri were sitting at the table, drinking tea. Victor slumped down next to them, yawning. It had taken Yuuri a while to fall asleep, even though Victor knew he was exhausted. He knew Yuuri was exhausted because _he_ was exhausted, with everything that had happened.

 

“How is he?” Mari asked, pouring Victor some tea as well.

 

“Asleep, finally,” Victor sighed. “He finally got comfortable enough.”

 

Mari just smiled, her head in her hand. “He’s lucky to have you. I’m guess you two were able to talk, as well?”

 

Victor nodded. “I think…I think things are going to be better, from here on out. We were honest with each other with what we had each been dealing with. And Yuuri said that he’s going to start seeing a doctor again.”

 

“Good.” Mari took a gulp of her tea. “It sucks that it took getting hit by a car, but hey at least you guys are getting somewhere.” She stood up. “I’m pretty tired myself, so I think I will go to bed early. Thanks again, Victor, for taking care of my brother. It really means a lot.”

 

“Of course,” Victor said. Mari patted his shoulder, something she was apparently fond of doing, and left him and Yuri alone at the table.

 

“Are you alright, Yuri?” Victor said, after they sat in silence for a minute. “I’ve barely heard you speak, which is unusual for you.”

 

Yuri rolled his eyes. “I’m perfectly fine, old man. I don’t have to talk to you every second of every day.”

 

“Were you worried about Yuuri?”

 

Yuri crossed his arms and looked away. “I wasn’t worried.”

 

Victor smiled. “He’s going to be okay, Yuri. I know it’s been kind of scary with a lot going on, but I think things will be okay now.”

 

Yuri looked back at him. “Is he upset about skating?” Yuri asked, deflating a little.

 

“He hasn’t really mentioned it, but I’m sure that he is,” Victor sighed. “But it will only be for a little while, to make sure his wrist heals. Maybe he can help you with your step sequences, while he’s not skating himself. I’m sure he’d like that.”

 

“Like I need his help!” Yuri huffed. “But I mean, if it will make him somewhat useful, then I guess that’s fine. Or maybe…maybe he can take me to Minako’s to work on my dance lessons.”

 

Victor smiled. “I think he’d like that.”

 

* * *

 

 

They decided that they would remain in Hasetsu for at least the next few weeks. Once Yuuri was feeling better, they started spending time either at the Ice Castle, or Minako’s studio.  Despite not being able to skate himself, Yuuri was able to find a new passion in helping Yuri. Though they both did still bump heads from time to time, they seemed to work together quite well. Yuuri was patient, and he was also determined to try to do something positive with his time. They helped at the inn when his family needed the extra help as well, and between practices and the inn, they kept themselves pretty busy.

 

Victor made sure that they still had their time together, as well. He and Yuuri took walks together almost every evening now, especially as the weather started to get warmer. Yuuri still had his moments of weakness, but he had gotten a lot better at opening up to Victor about it. Their first venture out of the house after Yuuri’s accident had been quite the experience, as Yuuri fell into a full on panic attack at the first sight of a car on the street. But somehow, Victor had talked him through it. They were learning, together.

 

One spring night, they sat together on the beach, the sun just beginning to set. They often spent evening like this, enjoying the breeze and the sound of the waves. Sometimes, they didn’t even need to speak, but they just sat there and enjoyed each other’s company. Some days, this was the spot where they would admit their feelings, and their struggles.

 

“Yuri is doing so well,” Yuuri noted. He looked down at his arm, which had been casted. Victor, Yuri, Mari, and Yuuko’s girls had scribbled all over it. Yuuri loved it, though he was quite excited that he would be able to take it off in a few days’ time. “I’ve become so focused on helping him that I’ve barely thought about what I’m going to do.”

 

“Well, what do you want to do?” Victor asked him.

 

Yuuri looked at him. “I’m not sure, anymore. I kind of like this side of skating. It’s different. It makes me feel good. I like working with Yuri on something and seeing him master it.”

 

Victor smiled. “Well then, maybe that’s what you should do, then. You’re pretty good at it. Better than I am.”

 

“I wouldn’t say that,” Yuuri chuckled. “We can be the dream coaching team. We could be the new Yakov and Lilia.”

 

“You know they divorced, right?” Victor said with a laugh.

 

Yuuri grinned. “We could be _better_ than them.”

 

Victor kissed the top of Yuuri’s head. “I’m so proud of you, Yuuri.” It was the truth. He had never been more proud of anyone in his life.

 

“Why?” Yuuri said, looking embarrassed.

 

“Why?” Victor asked incredulously. “For everything, Yuuri. Everything you’ve lived through. Everything you’ve battled. The fact that you are still here, with a smile on your face, talking about how you wish to help other people. You’ve been through so much, and struggled so much, and yet…you’re still here. You’re still you. I am _so_ proud of you, my love. Every day.”

 

Yuuri’s eyes watered, but he smiled. Victor knew that Yuuri struggled with compliments, but it was one of the things that Victor had been trying to do more. He needed Yuuri to know that he was a good person. Someone who was needed. Someone who mattered.

 

“I couldn’t do it without you,” Yuuri whispered, and then he was kissing Victor, and Victor kissed him back, falling over in the sand and not caring who saw them.

 

* * *

 

 

They made their way back home, hand in hand. Yuuri still stiffened a bit whenever they had to cross a street, but it was okay. Victor let him know that it was okay.

 

Once they were home, they said goodnight to Yuuri’s parents. Mari smiled and waved at them from the bar. They checked in on Yuri, who yelled at them to go away, throwing his pillow for good measure. And finally, they made their way to their room, Makkachin jumping up on the bed. Yuuri and Victor changed and climbed into bed as well, snuggling in close as they browsed through their phones before bed.

 

Victor looked at the date on his cellphone.

 

May 2nd.

 

This had been the day that he had found Yuuri’s cold body on the floor of his bathroom, and empty bottle of pills next to him.

 

_Yuuri was alive._

Victor still didn’t understand what exactly had happened, or why he had been given a second chance at his life with Yuuri. But he could never express how thankful he was that he had been given the chance.

 

And he wasn’t going to waste any second of it. Because he now knew that any second could be the last, and he wanted to treasure every moment of his life with Yuuri.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of another story :')
> 
> Generally I prefer less happy endings, but for some reason, when I write YuRi on Ice, I just can't bear to give these characters sad endings xD 
> 
> Thank you, as always. I know I always say this but reading your comments really makes my day. It really pushes me to keep going <3 
> 
> I'm a little stuck as to what I'll be writing next, but hopefully some great new idea will come to me! (If you have any prompt suggestions feels free to comment them :D)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the story. 
> 
> Thank you again <3 
> 
> <3 Katy


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